How to help?
Did you ever meet someone where you just gave up on helping them? Because no matter what you do, it just doesn't seem to make a difference?
I've got a few cases like that right now... and I honestly don't know what to do. I think I can carry on a while longer. But I'm coming to the point where I cry out to God in frustration, "I just don't know what to do next!"
There is someone I know who just doesn't seem to understand what people say. I actually asked another mutual friend once, "Err... does this person have a mental deficiency?".
I wasn't being rude - it was a genuine question! But it didn't take too long for me to realise that that just couldn't be; the person's speech reflected someone of normal intelligence; this person just seemed insensitive to other people's reactions and feelings.
So then I thought maybe the person had Asperger's - the disorder often seen as 'a milder form of autism' where a person does approach people and talks but doesn't seem to read social cues such as boredom, irritation etc. on the part of the listener.
But then I realised that, even KNOWING someone has Asperger's, what can I do about it? And does it make a difference if I 'try to help' someone with Asperger's? Does it help THEM any? Or is it just for the benefit of the people around them; that they irritate others less?
Such a sad state of affairs; as far as I'm aware, there is no 'cure' for Asperger's anymore than there is for autism. The only thing one can do is teach them social skills so that they are more socially acceptable and less isolated. :(
Another area that's pretty hard to deal with is depression. I'm not talking about the blues... I'm talking about an extreme heaviness that brings a normal, articulate, capable person into such a state that their voice is flat, they feel tired all the time, they lose interest in everything and they can't seem to shake themselves out of it.
Neither am I talking about being with a friend like this for days, weeks or even months - if you can't cope with a friend who is like this for that relatively moderate period of time, you do need to review why you got into this friendship in the first place and whether it's worth keeping.
Because somewhere underneath this depression is still the same friend you once knew with the same characteristics and personality that you loved; it's just masked for a while and can appear if you wait just a little while longer. If you don't think it's worth waiting for, there probably wasn't much to the friendship to begin with.
But I know some individuals who have been depressed for years. Oh boy, is that ever difficult! And sadly, people who have been depressed that long don't seem to realise anymore that they are depressed - they're too used to waking up to a grey sky (even when it's blue and sun-shiny to others) and to feeling tired and hopeless to realise that it isn't normal.
There is no point trying to shake someone out of depression; I'm pretty cautious about doing that anyway. When someone appears to be holding on just by a thin piece of thread, you don't shake the thread too vigorously lest it snap!
People with depression don't seem to hear speech. They seem locked in a grey bubble which reason cannot pierce. If a person with depression talks, they seem to go round and round the same issue, remaining oblivious to the 'facts' that you try to tell them that seem obvious to you.
They're not interested in any activities because they're tired all the time and as far as you can tell, everything is 'tasteless' to them. There are no 'colours' in life.
One friend that I knew who had depression, thankfully came out of it by becoming very interested in a new hobby. To my delight, it brought new friends along her path, a new purpose and reason in her being, and before I expected it, she was striding confidently upon life's path again.
Oh that all friends with depression could reach that happy state to freedom!
Perhaps at the end of the day, what helps is to know that we are not 'saviors'. There is a Savior, and He is all these people need. Perhaps it's time we withdraw our bumbling hands stretched out to lift, aid, guide, and sometimes (truthfully!) slapping, and begin to lift them in prayer for our friends.
After all, today - you stumble. Tomorrow - perhaps I will. And I pray that when I do, you will pary for me; even as I pray for you today.
What Happens To Them?
Went to watch Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey in it wif my movie kaki - Michelle. Verdict? Somewhat, though not totally, lame. Humour misplaced. Somehow Jim Carrey has to add these little quirks to make things 'funny' but after a while, they just get annoying.
One part of the movie was really good though. You know that, in the story that Charles Dickens wrote, the Ghost of Christmas Present pulls aside his robe, and concealed in his robes are two wretched children, so disfigured by misery and suffering that they hardly look human? The boy is called 'Ignorance' and the girl is called 'Want'?
In this Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey, the boy 'Ignorance' spins round and becomes an adult man coming at him with a knife (meant to personify a criminal) and roars, "Are there no prisons?" mockingly towards Scrooge before prison bars fall around him, caging him in.
And the girl 'Want' spins round and becomes an adult woman dressed provocatively (meant to peronify a prostitute) and she also mockingly jeers, "Are there no workhouses?" before laughing hysterically, and wound in a straitjacket, ends up in a mental institution.
That really caught my attention. It brought to my memory something which I had read before. Remember the shelter that I visited in Cambodia for child prostitutes? Well, the lady who started the centre called AFESIP said that, sometimes, by the time they rescue the children, the children have lost their minds because of the torment and torture they've gone through. The children can be 8, 9, 10 years old by the time they're rescued, but they'd already spent a few years being raped repeatedly day after day, and by the time they came in to the shelter, they didn't make sense.
All the children could do was give sweet, but empty smiles. When they talk, the words don't add up. They've lost all reason. Truly, what Jim Carrey personified, is what is in their future when they're too old to be taken care of in this shelter, which after all, is only to rehabilitate child prostitutes until they are old enough to work.
As for what the movie showed happening to the boy - well, today I was reading this article :- http://www.poynter.org/column.asp?id=2&aid=173876
It's about kids who have 'aged-out' of the foster care system. At 18 years old, the Government assumes these kids are 'adults' and they are no longer taken care of as foster kids. What happens to them then? Shockingly, the report said, in America, within 2 years of ageing out of the system, 25% end up in prison. 20% end up homeless.
Are you surprised? Shocked? Why should you be? Our kids in Malaysia still stay at home with Mummy and Daddy at 18 years old and receive allowances. These are kids who don't have any foundation of love, nurturing and support thrown out onto the streets at 18 to start their adult lives and expected to live them right.
Still so many kids on this road of hopelessness... what can we do to make a difference? And do we even care?
Put-downs
There is a Christian teenage book that I have that's a story about a girl who goes to a youth group where the leader seems to make a lot of put-downs and the whole atmosphere of the youth group seems to be about out-smarting someone else by putting him/her down more than she can put you.
Of course in the end, the youth leader repents and everyone takes a pledge to watch their language and behave in a godly way. Honestly, I found the youth group scenes so distasteful that I don't pick up that book as much as other books. It made me cringe to read about how hurt the youths were when other youths hurled insults at them in the name of 'fun'.
But here's the funny thing... I realised that amongst some of the youth groups in M'sia, there is this culture of 'put each other down'. Normally the older ones are the most practised at doing it, so it's considered 'smart', it's considered 'funny' and it's the 'popular' thing to do.
I guess I find it uncomfortable because I learnt something totally different. When I was in CHC Singapore, we were taught to encourage each other. We would write notes, letters, call each other etc.
Putting each other down with our words was not encouraged at all - in fact, you could get hauled up pretty sternly for doing that!
When I returned to Malaysia, I soon got used to the fact that the 'encourage each other' thing was not a popular practise in Malaysia. That was fine with me; I mean, we are more reserved, right? Different country, different culture. No problem.
But put each other down instead? I couldn't wrap my head around that one. Where did the principle of 'love one another' fall in with 'insult one another'?
I could certainly understand if the teasing is interspersed with moments of encouragement - and caution was taken to see that one didn't go too far. But I didn't see that. I saw defensive walls being put up and younger ones learning to be as quick and as hurtful as the older ones in order to survive the culture.
Soon I realised something... this wasn't a 'youth' problem, it was an 'everyone's problem. True, the adults didn't put each other down. Well, except for some.... but those are in the minority.
They still didn't practise the 'encourage each other' ... in fact, one lady in my church often gets praised for being encouraging. To me, it's not so much that she is encouraging (although she is) as much as compared to the DIScouragement of other people, the difference is so glaringly obvious!
But what I found instead in Malaysia was put-downs at other people. Put-downs towards the government, put-downs towards Christian leadership (sadly enough, yes, in some churches), put-downs towards bosses....
And I looked round and feel sad...
Slander is slander. I don't care if the slander is directed against a politician... to accuse someone by saying "He did it" without knowing FOR SURE he did it (and I don't care if all evidence points to that; if you didn't see it happen, you don't know if it DID happen) IS SLANDER. And since when did the Bible say, "Slander is okay if it is directed towards politicians"?
Is it MORE okay to be nasty towards your boss and bad-mouth him in front of your other church members when you yam cha just because he is a boss? Show me the passage that says, "Thou mayeth speak evil of thy boss simply because he is a boss", and I'll give you a nice, fat red packet!
When Hannah Yeoh came to our church and spoke about the nasty things said to her and spoken against her, I couldn't help but think, "That's normal for Malaysians." We've not learnt to guard our tongues, let alone be encouraging. Is this the way we Christians show ourselves to be salt and light to the world? By being just like everyone else, slandering and bad-mouthing and putting down and being discouraging?
Jesus said that the world would know that He is with us because we love one another. I don't know about you - but I think putting up walls so you won't get hurt by someone else's words is not the best way to learn to 'love one another'.
So perhaps the young people are just learning from the adults that put-downs are good, 'adult' and the in-thing to do. Or perhaps they're just following their peers. Whatever. At the age of youth, one has the mind of an adult and can think for himself.
The Bible tells us to control our tongues. Let's try this basic thing even as we aim to be the glorious bride, even as we say, "These are the last days and we need to shine in this world." Let's learn to guard unity in the Body of Christ. It is so important as the days get darker.
Dear Ms. Mackenzie Phillips
Dear Ms. Mackenzie Phillips,
You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I've read your story. You and I will never cross paths; at least, I don't think so. So I'm just going to write these words to tell you what I think of you here on my blog, and maybe someday, some wind will blow these words across your path and, I hope, give you encouragement to go on.
I just want to say to you, Ms. Mackenzie, that you are brave. You are brave for coming out with your story of incest. You are brave to admit that in the end, you gave up, and seemingly 'consented' to it. You are brave to tell your story to the whole world so that everyone can know. You are so brave!
You are brave for daring to do this whilst your family is still around to say, "She is lying." You are brave to face a world of critical faces and pointing fingers who will sneer derisively, "She wanted it". You are brave to confront the memories and demons and nightmares of the past. You are so, so brave!
And I hope you will learn one day, that when you lift up the head that has been bowed in shame for so long, that the eyes watching you from the same person whose ears are listening to your story, are not filled with derision and disgust. I hope you see the acceptance and the sadness reflected in those eyes at a child's betrayal. I hope you hear gentle words of affirmation of the pain that you've gone through, and words to say that you are believed and will be supported through the days of healing.
I wish you strength to bear the cries of, "She's lying!" and "She asked for it!". I wish you comfort and peace when the memories rush in and beat at your mind until you scream for relief. I wish you the knowing that there are many like you who are caught in the same web of pain who are too ashamed to stand up and say, "That happened to me, and I need help because I don't know how to break free."
May your voice continue to resonate loud and strong to tell the world that, "This happens". May your voice carry so that other victims, other survivors can hear and look up in amazement that someone has finally spoken, and follow. May your voice cause governments and agencies, ministries and leaders to hear and form the policies that will protect the generations of children to come.
You are brave to be the first one to step out. God bless you, and I mean that with all my heart.
The Holidays Again
It's that time of the year again.... Holidays with cheerful music playing in the background all the way through to Chinese New Year.
It's a really happy time of the year for many. I think I've mentioned a few times though that it can be a pretty lonely time for those who are from broken families.
Seeing happy families shopping together, and eating together, and just the whole 'family-orientation' of the holidays can be pretty tough to stomach. Despite all the resolutions to 'stand strong and stay positive', one's facade tends to crack during the long stretch of winter hols.
I remember once somebody saying to me cheerfully, "Well, stay busy and you won't have time to feel sad!"
I shot back, very truthfully, "I do! Why do you think I organize so many events with the orphanage kids during the holidays?"
Well, it's kinda harder this year because I've taken a sabbatical from my volunteer work and all 'other' work, really. Somehow I'm dreading the days ahead without enough activities to keep me from thinking or feeling too much.
I remember the song...
For every broken heart in need of mending
For every lonely child who needs befriending
For every time the innocent should ever need defending
That's why He came
That's why He came
For all the lost and lonely
That's why He came
For all the questions only love explains
And so that when we need Him
We can call upon His Name
That's why He came
That's why Jesus came... and that's why we celebrate Christmas. It's good to know and good to remember... It means so much more this holiday season than any other.
Codependency
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Wait
One of the reasons why I took a sabbatical this year was because I find it almost impossible to sit quietly. I'm someone who loves to dash around doing fifty projects at one time... stop briefly to breathlessly gasp out how busy I am... and then running off to yet another appointment/ task/ activity.
Like Martha, I cannot conceive how Mary can sit quietly at the Master's feet when there's SO MUCH TO DO! Of course, I've long learnt that the 'so much to do' is only in my eyes... lots of people in the same situation look around and say, "Hmm... NOTHING TO DO."
The Lord showed me that He has been developing in me the ability to wait recently...
Recently something happened that made me cross. I rarely get truly angry... If and when I yell at the top of my voice, that means I've already tolerated something a number of times and just can't take it anymore!
In my exasperation, my natural tendency wanted to grumble and nag. But I felt the inner voice of the Spirit say, "Wait."
I was like, "OK, God, I wait... then I scold, okay?!"
And again, the Spirit said, "Wait."
I waited. And then I began to see....
I began to see that the thing that I was cross about was such a small thing. In contrast, whilst focussing on that small thing, I had missed the big and beautiful things that had been happening and growing and developing. The Spirit pointed out in His quiet, gentle manner all the beautiful things that had bloomed and blossomed around the little small 'imperfection'.
And when I went home still a little cross but more calm and thought back, I realised how true that was. I began to see even more beautiful things that had begun unfolding.
And I realised too that the little thing that I was cross about... well, I'm a well-known 'picky' and 'fussy' person. Imperfections that I notice are rarely noticed by others!
And more, I didn't even know if I was right that it WAS an imperfection.
There were more decisions to be made this week, and each time, I feel that quiet voice saying, "Wait." I can do that now. I'm not in such a rush to dash about everywhere and create 'messes' that God has to undo!
There is a decision that is on my mind this morning... Soon I will have to arrive at a decision, of course... but the still, small voice of the Spirit again says, "Wait."
